The Felt Shape of a Human Life

“Whenever someone who knows you disappears, you lose one version of yourself. Yourself as you were seen, as you were judged to be. Lover or enemy, mother or friend, those who know us construct us, and their several knowings slant the different facets of our characters like a diamond-cutter's tools. Our lives disconnect and reconnect, we move on, and later we may again touch one another, again bounce away. This is the felt shape of a human life, neither simply linear nor wholly disjunctive nor endlessly bifurcating, but rather this bouncey-castle sequence of bumpings-into and tumblings-apart.”

     -Salman Rushdie [The Ground Beneath Her Feet]

Wildness, Uncontained (Observation #25)

There's an energy in me that I'm not sure how to describe, or contain. It's a wildness that I try to unleash at a pace and to a degree that I think is acceptable to people, because I realize that not everyone has this in them. Or maybe they do, but it looks different. But I don't think so. I think it's something that a very small percentage of people can tap into, and then begin to understand how to wield and tackle, and sometimes tame. It's a kind of unhinged passion, a trace of madness. It comes out in little ways -- laughter that borders on maniacal when I don't make an effort to mitigate it; needing to take time to catch my breath when I listen to certain kinds of music because I feel filled to the brim with something I can't explain; I smirk or shake my head or pop my eyes open when I read on the train because I'm flagrantly blown away by the skillful manipulation of language; the way I consume life-giving things like water and fruit is voracious -- I gulp and devour and ravage; the sounds I generate to express satisfaction and pleasure are shameless, tumultuous. Sometimes it's quiet and calm, thrashing under the surface. Sometimes it blazes from my eyes and pours out in a hot fury -- startling, frantic, vicious. If you haven't seen this thing in me, you're safe. But then you're probably missing out on the best part.

Open Letter to Dreams

Dear Dreams,

Books, toothbrush, drown, raisin pie, leotards, cockadoodledoo, Napoleon, word pizza, blue, plaster of paris, twins, JK Rowling, recycling program, prohibition, motor yacht, hat box, Pier 1 Imports, gravy, bones, Victor/Victoria, bathroom, stapler, birth, crash, prom, senate, ceramic flowers, iodine.

That's what it feels like, asshole.


[courtesy of McSweeney's]

Conversational Chemistry

Have you ever had a phone conversation with someone for the first time, and the timing is just completely off? You start talking, and they've started talking at the same time. Then you stop to let them speak, but they've stopped to let you speak. Then you both start talking at the same time again. Then you stop but they keep going, so you've completely missed the first half of whatever they were saying. You both do that awkward, nervous laugh. Then there's an uncomfortable silence. Then you both start talking at the same time again. Christ!

It's not at all the case that you or the other person is especially long-winded or socially awkward. It's just that there is zero conversational chemistry there. You know what I mean?

Facebook Kills Relationships

Throughout my time on Facebook, I've run into more than a few little mishaps and argument starters that are unique to this website alone. It's a purely generational thing, and I wonder if it's more or less universal than I think it is. Before Gen Y, you could go to parties, take photos, be in relationships, engage in harmless flirting -- and no one would be any the wiser. But now, there is a ridiculous amount of access to people, their social lives, their relationships, and other rather intimate details. Is this something that every generation after us will have to deal with? I guess with them it'll just be the way things are, since they'll have actually grown up knowing no other way. People get into fights about whether or not to post "in a relationship" on their pages, over sketchy wall posts, out-of-context photos, and much more. I think Facebook is great in terms of keeping track of people, staying in touch, being in the loop and all that. But in terms of relationships, I think it's totally detrimental. Thoughts?

Hurtin' for "Some Strange"

Has anyone read the cover story of the most recent New York mag? It's called "The Affairs of Men," and the cover shot is of a "happily married" guy lying next to some chick in lingerie that's "not his wife." Hmm.

The basic premise of Philip Weiss' piece is that men need variety, they're hard-wired to want to monopolize the sex and emotional lives of as many women as possible, and that sexual exclusivity is unnatural and unfeasible. Someone he calls a "forward-thinking friend" claims that "we make the mistake of thinking some people have a stronger will, they don't." Is it safe to say that people, and women in particular, should man up and embrace the reality of never really being enough for someone, just by virtue of not being more than one person?

It's human nature to like variety. And maybe the idea of total monogamy is in fact unrealistic. If that's the case, why is marriage a (the?) primary institution in our society? Did Indian maharajas, who married multiple wives and also kept thousands of courtesans, have it right? In the words of Kris Kristofferson, we want constant and guilt-free access to "some strange."

"Why does society consider it more moral for you to break up a marriage, go through a divorce, disrupt your children's lives maybe forever, just to be able to fuck someone with whom the fucking is going to get just as boring as it was with the first person before long?" --Susan Squire, author of I Don't

Strange that there should be such a premium placed on monogamy when there exists this universal and hovering sense of inadequacy. What kind of magic is monogamy doing that it makes us believe that all of our intellectual, sexual, and emotional needs can be met by one person?

Some interesting things in this article, if you choose not to read it for yourself:

*Average number of partners for men throughout their lives is 35. For women, it's 6.

*27% of people have fantasized about someone else while in the act with their partner.

*Men can feel perfectly happy and satisfied with their partners, and still cheat.

*A woman's affair is more likely to be long, emotional, and undetected.

"A relationship is a myth you create with each other. It isn't necessarily true, but it's meaningful. The key to that myth is that the other person is enough for you. You know in your head that one other person isn't enough for you. But if you don't honor the myth, then it crumbles."

I know this post is long and probably somewhat byzantine, but I'm wondering if we just need to completely revamp our idea of what a healthy relationship looks like. If human nature necessitates variety in all aspects of life, including love/romantic relationships/sexual partners, then we need to get real and stop seeing marriage and monogamy as the only feasible options. If human nature is equally comprised of irrationality and emotions, then things like hurt, jealousy, betrayal, etc. prevent us from being ready to move past that courting-dating-marriage-kids model. So what's the solution?