Am I a Misogynist?

I don't think that's the word I'm looking for.

I thought that maybe I'm just not a feminist, but I do believe that women should have equal rights. Maybe it's that I'm old-fashioned? But there's a lot of shit about me and the way I think that's on the very far left of the progressive/liberal spectrum. And yet here I am, a firm believer in the following statements:

1. Female customer service representatives are completely incompetent. If you're ever calling Verizon, Apple, etc. and you hear "Hi this is (female name) from blah, how may I help you today?," please hang up and redial until you get a man. Trust what I'm telling you.

2. I like when a man tells me what to do. When I'm with a guy, I think I respect him more when he tells me not to wear something or go somewhere or talk to someone. Not, "I respect that you're independent but I don't feel comfortable with that dress." More like, "You're not going out like that, change." This extends into a sexual context, also, although I won't divulge those details here.

3. Women cry too freakin' much. It's a universal truth that men don't cry as often. Women cry always. I'll admit to being guilty of this. If a commercial about those 'ten cents a day' kids comes on with some cheesy piano music, my lip starts quivering. It's ridiculous.

4. I wholeheartedly believe that it's a woman's place to cook and clean (including laundry). Sure, I might like some help once in a while. But no man of mine is going to be whistling around the house with a handkerchief tied around his head and a mop in his hand with his sweats rolled up. No.

Any thoughts on this?

JKLOLZLMAOROFL

I'm pretty much never laughing when I type "lol" or "haha." Most times, I'm not even smiling, which is pretty weird. Just imagine someone typing "lol" or "hahaha!" with a totally straight face. Or even a slight frown. And a furrowed brow. Kinda like this.






"LMAO! Hahahaha. That's hilarious."






I'm going to try to be true to myself, and more honest with you, by introducing "LLOL." It's not a typo. It just means that I'm literally laughing out loud. Like Jesus. Pretty simple, right? Watch it catch on like a California wildfire.

Women Who Play Video Games (and other blatant lies)

This post is inspired by one of my favorite and most recently-discovered blogs, "Not Hating, Just Saying." Every day, they hate on a new thing in hilarious ways, and a recent post was about chicks who claim that they play video games. An excerpt:

"I'm not hating on girls who say they play video games, but no, you don't. Wait! I'm being totally unfair to you guys!!! I'm forgetting the half-hour that you played of Sonic the Hedgehog when you were nine! Remember that game? It was the one with the rings. You enjoyed it, because you got to collect rings! Yay!!! But then you quit because you couldn't figure out how work up enough spin to break through that wall. Remember? I know, it was really tough, I know."

Now, this post doesn't apply to me because I play and enjoy video games, and could even kick your ass in a few (Guitar Hero). But it does make me wonder when I overhear girls saying things that are blatantly untrue, always around a group of guys, that they think make them sound REALLY cool and 'different.' It's always a delicious treat when they're given the opportunity to display the talent they boasted about only to be revealed as a dirty liar. Some examples:

• I can drink you under the table! No seriously, I can totally handle my liquor.
• Omg I LOVE basketball/football/baseball/wrestling!! ESPN.com is my homepage. I have it on the 90-second reload.
  
• Other girls hate me. I don't know why...
• I'm not into drama.
  
• I never gossip!
• I don't care what people think about me/what I look like. I totally just grabbed these clothes from a heap on the floor and threw them on!

A male version is on the way. My favorite? "Seriously, I won't even try anything."





*(You're all wonderful. This post is all in good fun.)

10 Things I Hate About You, Part I

"Hate" is a strong word, so I'm often hit with a tinge of regret right after blurting out that I hate something or someone. In most cases, I hate WHEN people doing something, as opposed to PEOPLE who do it. But sometimes, I do hate people. Oh yea I do. Here are some examples of the difference:


I hate when people yawn without covering their mouths. If they're sitting across from me on the train, I feel the need to turn sideways and count to ten lest their yawn breath wafts into my nostrils and/or mouth.
I hate people who spit on the street. I really hate people who make that noise right before they do it. You know, to summon it all up. Disgusting.

I hate when people judge other people based on one thing they know or may have heard about that person.
I hate people who form opinions without taking the time to acquire information.

I hate when people invade my personal space and, beyond every notion of social propriety, getthisclose to talk to me.
I hate people who stink and/or have terrible breath and have the gall to do the aforementioned.

I hate when people talk in the movies.
I hate people who bring their small/crying/don't even understand English yet babies to the movies. What the fuck are you thinking? Hmm?

I hate when people tYpe LiKe tHis On AiM oR iN eMaiLs (Yep, there are people who still do this dumb shit.)
I hate people who misspell things on purpose. Especially when the altered spelling does nothing apart from making you look retarded and elongating the word.

Catch my drift? You may know that it doesn't take much to annoy me, so look out for sequels.

Has This Ever Happened to You?

You're standing on a street corner, waiting for the light to change so you can cross. You see the light's about to go yellow, and you edge up off the curb. The person next to you edges up, too. You take another step. So does he. You stay put. He doesn't move. You step ahead of him. He steps ahead of you. Or...

You're in your car, waiting at a red light. Again, you see the other light about to go yellow, so you gently lift your foot off the brakes. The car next to you does the same thing. You stop. He stops. You start going through the light, he follows.

...Are we in some kind of race I don't know about? You just HAVE to be in front of me? You can't see me move without doing it, too? This also happens when I'm waiting for the train sometimes. I usually stand in a spot at which I know there will be a set of doors to open up right in front of me. To my dismay, other people are privvy to this strategy. The train starts coming, I start moving closer to that yellow line, and the six people around me scramble to get there, too. I could understand if you did it first. But would you have done it if you didn't see me getting there first? My guess is no.

The strangest part is that when I'm the one to move first, I become infuriated when people edge up behind me. "What the HELL is this guy's problem?!," I seethe. I've even yelled "Back up off me" in my head a few times. But when someone else is the first, I feel an irresistable urge to follow. I just. can't. stop. Am I alone here?